This journal is used to record my dreams.
Dream from 2010
It was late twilight.
The sun had dipped below the horizon. I was driving down West IH-10 along the access road, inside 1604. Passing hear the area after Hausman. I'm driving to someone's house, Kim or Michael's, I'm not sure. Michael, Lauryn, Deanna and Josh are all waiting for me there. I'm late, as usual.
All of a sudden, my car jerks off the road. I'm driving through the empty field, wildflowers under my tires. I jerk my wheel side to side to avoid the cedar trees and live oaks. It feels like my car is driving longer than should be possible for the short distance from the road that I end up. I stop 50 meters from the access road, not even.
I step out of the car and call Michael. Indian blankets are tickling my calves. My back is to the highway, and on my left there is an office building, only two stories tall, all glass with metal framing. The corner office closest to me is lit, all the blinds lifted so I can see everything inside. There is a middle aged, brown haired, average looking man at the desk inside, shirt and tie, bent over his work. The office makes me thing of an insurance agency.
I tell Michael to send Josh out. I'm worried if the car is drivable. I turn back to the car (how did I wander so far from it?) and see Josh there, between me and the car. "Nevermind," I tell Michael and hangup. "Josh!" I call out, so excited and relieved to see him. I run towards him, calling his name. That feeling I get whenever I see him grows in my chest. Like my etch-a-sketch world suddenly stopped shaking and was mounted in a frame. Steady, sane, calm, centered, happy.
The the bottom drops out and my heart stops and my steps falter because Josh hasn't replied to me calling his name, and he hasn't moved towards me and now his shape shifts somehow and I realize it's not Josh I'm running to. The man has the same build as Josh and is wearing a dark button-down striped shirt and black slacks. But he is pale, his smile is sly, his eyes are green. His hair is black, curly, messy. He wears glasses.
I keep walking forward, but something in me is terrified.
I glance to the man in the office. I know that man is this man's boss, I know that he does not know this man is out here, I know that this man hates his job and hates his boss. I know these things and for each one, I get a little more scared. Men like this one are dangerous.
My keys are in one hand, my phone is in the other, and I know I need to stay calm and not overreact. I smile and keep walking forward. I tell myself not to run. Not to run. I pass him, and my pulse quickens for half a step, but then his hand is on my wrist, he jerks me back, hi hands are on my arms, he's shaking me I grip my phone and keys tighter, I must not let go.
I'm on the ground the flowers are tangled in my hair, Oh God not again, I know I need to fight him, but I also need to call for help, but if I do, I'll give him the upper hand, give him time to reach for a weapon. All this is split second decision making and I let him pin one arm to my side while he smalls my ahir and doesn't notice me dialing 911. Then I lightly toss my phone to the side so they can find me maybe he won't notice it not this shit again oh God no. I try to push but he's so strong and I'm trapped and I try to scream and no sound comes out. I just need to hang on until help comes and I try to scream again and it comes out as a terrified choked sob and my real cry is what wakes me up.
My latest dream starts out with me standing on an ice floe, looking out at a vast grey ocean, and where it meets the equally vast, lighter grey sky. I'm all bundled up with boots, a parka, gloves, ski mask, etc., and am carrying a substanial backpack. Hundreds of thousands of people are on the ice floes with me, all protected against the brutal cold. There's little to no wind, the sea is calm, and the ice feels stable under my feet.
My eyes sweep the horizon until my vision is interrupted by an indeterminably long ice bridge. It looks like a jetty, but made of ice instead of rocks. It isn't very wide, but like I said, it goes on forever. People of every type are trudging down it, all carrying their heavy packs, some on skis, some lurching across with the help of ice poles/picks.
In the dream, I know that we're headed on a pilgrimage of some sort, and that we're in the far north of Europe, maybe even within the Artic circle. The feeling of the pilgrimage was very much like World Youth Day, with everyone tired, hungry and miserable from the weather, but still in an optimistic mood. The sort of feeling that something amazing will happen, if you just put up with enough trouble.
So I begin to walk with the crowd down this endless bridge. There are people sleeping in water-proof sleeping bags along the edges, dangerously close to falling in, but we're all so tired, so people leave them be. As I travel, I become aware of my companions. I'm traveling with two men, one who is pudgy and uninteresting, with brown hair and dull eyes and an unshaven look about him. This guy supposedly is my boyfriend, or at least, the chump I'm currently dating. The other traveling companion is Superman.
Yep, Superman. Or at least, Superman in disguise as Clark Kent. He looked just like he does in the movie. Only, this Superman was also Andrew, my boyfriend in the waking life. That's when I realized I was Lois Lane, but also myself. Now, I'm in love with Andrew/Superman/Clark Kent in the dream, but for some reason, am still dating this other dude. I mean, I know that he's Superman and I still haven't run off with him, even though he's madly in love with me.
We're all traveling together, marching forever down this ice bridge. And now that I know who I'm traveling with, I understand why I'm making this pilgrimage. There's some sort of alien artifacts at the end of the journey, artifacts that have been making miracles happen. And now, aliens from another planet have come to reclaim them, so everyone wants to travel and see what will happen.
For Andrew/Superman/Clark Kent, it's a chance to discover more about his past. But I'm really not going just for the story, either, but am just wanting to be near him. So we walk all day long and then some. Eventually, we see a cruise ship anchored a little ways away from the bridge. Hundreds of people are crossing the dangerous ice floes to get to it. We join the rush--and strangely, even though some ice floes tip over, Andrew-Superman does nothing to save the people. They're left to flounder in the below-zero water, drowning from the weight of their packs. A few people try to help, but almost everyone is dead tired and too numb to care.
We climb onto this platform hanging down by the ship, and are hauled up to the deck. Inside the ship, people are sleeping everywhere, camped out where ever there's room. My boyfriend sets up our sleeping bags side-by-side and lays down to go to sleep. I tell him that I'm going to go clean myself up a bit, take a look around, and I'll be back later. Andrew-Clark Kent has set his sleeping bag up about twenty feet away. I really want to climb in there with him, but walk past and set about exploring the ship.
The cruise ship, apparently, is co-owned by the Swedes and some aliens, resulting in European Spa type facilities with a very futuristic touch. I travel up and down escalators and end up in one of the high priced rooms. I'm not supposed to be there, since I'm not a rich customer, just a pilgrim, but I feel the need to investigate the room. Something about this room feel wrong to me, I feel like there's something sinister at work on the cruise ship. Then I hear the manager of the ship coming and I hide in the shower.
Here, the dream becomes fuzzy. I know that I'm discovered and as I try to escape, they chase me back down the escalators. But then I realize that they've stopped at the top, and are closing the gate so that I won't be able to access that part of the ship any longer. Other pilgrims below realize the same thing, and rush up the escalators, trying to reconnect with their loved ones. But the wrought-iron gold-painted gates at the top are locked, and I realize that I will be left behind, Superman and supposed-boyfriend will leave me because the aliens are more important, and I am alone.
Currently listening to:
A Day Without Rain
Losing the chance to love.
A fragmented dream of loss:
From what I remember, everyone is returning to Knox because break is over. For some reason, though, I'm in the Anthropologie store, which is also Knox at the same time. I see Charlie and run to greet him, but Megan is with him, on his arm. THis stops me dead in my tracks.. Charlie sees me and introduces me to Megan, but does not introduce her to me. My heart feels like it's being crushed and I realize quite suddenly that Charlie has chosen her over me, and that he no longer wants to be involved with me.
So I smile at her and we walk around the store admiring the beautiful things and talking about nothing, like we're best friends or something. I don't tell her that Charlie and I were dating, nor do I ask her about how things are going between her and Charlie. I point out the sale rack and tell her how that's where I always find the best deals, and had she ever checked out the sale room? And she said she hadn't, so we both go to look there, but after Megan walks in, he grabs my arm and hauls me away to talk.
He demands to what I'm doing, and I return the question to him. He says that he's dating Megan now, that he's not interested in me anymore. I ask him how he could do this, and he points out that I haven't exactly been kind to him him lately, on the phone. Then he said that he asked Megan to marry him.
I'm in total shock over this, and I turn around and hurry away, because I see Megan coming over now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm very confused about how all of this could of happened, and I want to cry. I wander to the side of the store, and there are school lockers everywhere here, stacked in haphazard aisles, and I'm aware that I'm on the SAC campus, which runs into Anthropolgie and is apparently located at Knox. As in dreams, none of this is strange. So I crouch among the lockers, in front of the one that's mine. Inside my locker is my laptop, and I turn it on, but it's taking forever to boot up. I was wanting to check Charlie's facebook profile to see if Megan had mentioned anything about what the hell was going on.
But like I said, my computer's taking too long, and I'm afraid that Charlie and Megan will find me like this, looking at their profiles, being pathetic, so I walk off to the cafeteria, which also opens up into the Antropologie store. I meet up with Vanessa there, and struggle to tell her about what's going on. I feel like I'm about to explode, and my heart's beating like crazy and my brain feels like it's vibrating. I can barely get the words out to talk to Vanessa. Once we go through the cafeteria line, I set my food down and then rush back over to my laptop. As I crouch there, Charlie and Megan walk by me, and then suddenly I'm watching myself, my face twisting into this expression of utter despair over losing Charlie, and I realize how pathetic I am, and then I watch Charlie roll his eyes and put an arm around Megan, annoyed with me and glad that he left me when he did.
This is the final blow, and then I don't care about how pathetic I am, I run up to him, try to grab on him, ask how it all went wrong, but he only shakes me off and takes to Megan again, and I'm crushed, and I just sit on the floor and cry.
Yet another dream in which I can only remember the end.
I was visiting the Chinese Empire when it was suddenly swept up in some sort of war or uprising. As an American, I was confused and lost, but I realized that I was stuck there for the long haul and began to adopt Chinese dress and culture. Somehow I got involved with the whole thing, and towards the end of the war I was by the Emperor's side. I don't think I was fighting, but maybe cooking, or repairing things, or helping in some sort of way. In anycase, when the Emperor fell in the battle field, I ran to save him, out of affection. It was a great risk to myself.
When the war ended, I thought that I would quietly fade out of the picture and head back to America. But the Emperor was impressed with my previous devotion to me, and summoned me to his palace. He brought me to a palace window and we gazed out of it together.
(this is where my memory becomes more clear)
Outside the palace window, a huge monument was being built. A wooden stage that gleamed a dark gold from fresh polishing. The stage was built like a theater stage, with the sides of the theater rising three stories into the air. I could not see all the way into the back of the stage, for none of the lights were turned on. The top of the stage was arched in the same pattern of the chapel at Mount Sacred Heart, but on a much grander scale, of course. The arch and wooden sides were were painted with black lacquer. Deep red velvet curtains hung on the sides, for they had been opened, and made up the background curtain too, although it was hard to see it from the dark. Red silk banners hung down from the roof in neat columns. so long that some of the material gathered on the stage floor.
It was a magnificent building, standing alone among the sprawl of the capital, seeming to tower above it all, even though it was only three stories. It was also set on a small hill, which might have had something to do with it.The sun was setting directly behind the stage, turning the monument into a black profile with red-gold streaming around it. It was beautiful, and I gasped at the sight. The Emperor was very pleased with my reaction.
He gave a command to a servant, who scuttled away to do his bidding. He then instructed me to watch the building, for something even better was to appear. The sun had now dipped below the horizon, but some of it's dying light remained in the sky. All of a sudden, the stage began to glow. Deep within itself, past the background curtains, came a huge light. The velvet curtains made it seem like a brillant red glow, as if the sun had come to be housed in the stage. This light set the whole stage a glow, and the red silk banners looked like strips of the sunset-sky. Now, with the light shining through them, I could read the Chinese characters that had been written on them. This stage was a huge testament to my loyalty to the Emperor. The Emperor called the monument my grave, although it was more of a memorial. But someday, when I died, that is where I would be buried.
It was then that he proclaimed that he wanted me to be his Emperess. I was stunned. The Emperor took my silence as acceptance, and I was lead away by his servants. I bathed and was pampered by them, with them ironing my hair straight and smooth like a Chinese girl's, and then dressing me in the most beautiful robes I had ever seen. They were clearly ancient, embroidered with glittering, colorful thread, and then thousands of tiny glass beads embroidered over that, catching the colors and magnifying them. Underneath the main robe was a dusty-rose silk robe, and under that, a turquoise robe. All the robes were cinched together with a champagne silk belt. On my feet were tiny embroidered slippers. When I looked in the mirror, I realized that somehow they had made me look chinese. I now had an oval face, straight black hair, a small, pouty mouth and pale, luminescent skin.
I went to the Emperor and presented myself to him. He found me beautiful, and I took a seat on a throne next to him.Over the next few days, I came to realize that the Emperor was not only in love with me, he was also in love with what I was doing for the country.The monument had become a tourist site, and I was viewed as a fairytale princess who had rescued her true love and been rewarded with a huge jump in rank. I was quiet, demure, but viewed as passionate and courageous.
Eventually, the Emperor sent me home to America, to see my family. I ran home to my dorm, (although I live in a house) where all of my friends lived (although they all live in different places). I had been in China for years, but in America, only a few days had passed. I remember running from bunk to bunk telling them all that had happened to me. At first they didn't believe me, but then they did when I showed them the robes that I had brought home. Finally, someone asked me, "Well, what about Andrew?" and I had to stop and think. Of course, I had forgotten about what part my boyfriend played in all this. I shrugged and told them that I would of course stay in America and stay with Andrew, and that they would forget about me in China. I remember being shocked with myself that I would give up being Emperess just to stay with Andrew. The shock of it woke me up.
Knowledge of Angels
I had a dream the other night in which I died. The details are very fuzzy, with the exception of the last scene, but I'll attempt to explain. The premise of the dream had something to do with modern day aristocrasy, in which I was some minor lady-in-waiting to the princess-heir, and also acted as one of her many protectors.
The princess had been invited to a banquet by someone very important who was also an enemy; her squad of lady-bodyguards all were aware that the princess would be in grave danger if she attended. But politcally, the princess could not refuse, so we all went together.
Everything seems to be going well. I remember that the ceiling is made of glass, and I can see fish swimming along in this ceiling aquarium. (I probably got this from "Red Unicorn" by Tanith Lee) Anyway, something went terrible wrong and the princess suddenly collapses. There's immediate confusion and all hell breaks loose as her guardians all converge on her to make sure she's alright. Someone says she's bleeding and the next thing I know there's shots being fired, although if it's our people firing or the enemy, I don't know. The primary objective to to get the princess to safety.
I'm providing cover, and everything is going fine, when suddenly, an enemy guard appears in front of me. Behind me, I know my people are almost safe, and will be able to get away. This guard who is in front of me is a woman, and I know her. We were friends, maybe rivals, once. She has short, honey brown hair and hazel eyes, and a friendly smile. I know that she's sorry to do what she's about to do.
I raise my gun and fire, but I have no ammo and hear an empty clicking sound. I know now that I'm going to die and am at peace, somewhat. The phrase "Death is the next great adventure," floats through my mind, and I lower my weapon. I am suprised to find she does not shoot me in the head. Instead, she fires two bulllets into my chest. I collapse, and she and her people run past me, and I lay there dying. I'm in terrible pain.
I feel my heart beating, and then slow, and then stop.
Then I'm dead.
Here's where the fear comes in. Because even though I'm dead, I'm still aware. I'm still trapped in my body, and my death is somewhat like I've been completely paralyzed and can not even blink and eye. I'm lying on my side, blood pooled about me, and I'm dead and trapped. I become more and more scared as I realize that there's no escape and this is the truth of death--we remain trapped in our bodies forever. I think, that soon they will bury me, and I will spend eternity staring at dirt, alone, alone.
Worse still, there is pain in death, also. I still feel the pain of the gunshots. I feel the itch of my eyes staying open. But there is no heart beat, so I must be dead. The pain, I know, will only grow worse as my body rots and disengrate into dry bones. And in death, there is no sleep. I am doomed to always be awake, aware, forever in pain and loathing, always alone.
Lying dead in that corridor, I want to scream as they pick up my body and carry it away to dispose of it. I try to sleep, but I have no eyes to close, for I am only a trapped soul, so I watch. I want to weep with the realization that there is no true afterlife--heaven will not rescue me, puragtory will not save me, not even hell will claim me. Having been raised a devout Catholic, this crushes me. Death is not just and eternal, peaceful sleep without dreams, either, and for that I want to scream. But I can not weep or scream and so I can feel my fustration build, and am desperately sad that I know not even madness will come to free me.
Right when I think I will despair for eternity and never be happy again, I wake up.
Currently listening to:
Visual Audio Sensory Theater
It was a beautiful dream, but so sad and full of rage...
Yes, it had Batman. Or rather, mostly his alter ego, Bruce Wayne. What came before, I don't remember, but around the middle of my dreaming this story started. Bruce Wayne is talking to his long time lover in her house, along with her best friend.
His lover has dark hair, green eyes, an hourglass figure and is exceptionally beautiful as all his woman are. This woman has been in love with Bruce for sometime now, and they've been exclusive for around two years. They are both very comfortable in the relationship, and she's become accustomed to the ritzy life that a Wayne must lead. She's comes from money also, but not to the degree of Bruce, and her deepest fear is of becoming poor. She is very formal and has excellent manners, but this can leave people with the impression that she's a cold-hearted bitch.
Her friend is the opposite. This girl has shoulder length red hair, is petite, with pleasing curves and a little cushion. She had freckles and blue eyes. In attitude, she his vivacious, outgoing, talkative and a little pushy. She laughs easily and is a very open person. She (we'll call her Kara) provides and interesting compliment to Bruce Wayne's girlfriend (Alexis), who is often mysterious and serious.
They all live in a moderately sized city that is in the middle of a crystal-blue shallow ocean, set along the rim of a sunken and dead volcano. The town is thriving, beautiful, and a popular vacation spot. It reminds me of the same situation of Merridah in "Shutter box". Bruce is talking/boasting about the new trainstation that he has started construction on in the middle of the city.
Since the city is a large ring, in order to get anywhere, you have to drive around the whole ring. Troublesome if your destination is on the opposite side of the ring. The middle of the volcano is not deep at all, but just as shallow as on the outside, no more than 20 ft deep. There is a sunken village in the center of the ring. It was flooded a very long time ago, when one of the wall of the volcano collapsed and the ocean rushed in. Maybe oh, 100 or 200 years ago. The houses all look japanese, and are perfectly preserved beneath the calm water.
The Alexis and Kara are eager to see the construction, so Bruce takes them to the edge of the city (not hard to do--the city ring is not very wide. You could walk from one end to the other in ten minutes) to see the beginnings of the train station. There, perched on the roofs of the underwater houses, rails are starting to be built. Alexis expresses her confusion and awe to Bruce. It seems that the last time she had looked out over the underwater town, all the roofs had been underwater. Now, though, the tips of some of the roofs are above water. The roofs are made of brown and red tile, the buildings are white stucco. Bruce gives some explaination as to why the water level dropped, but Alexis and Kara aren't really paying attention. They are too busy admiring this architectural marvel.
The strange thing is that the roofs should be collapsing under the weight of the trainstation and heavy railways. But instead, all the construction seems to be daintily perched on the houses.
Bruce then offers to take the girls to the center of the construction, revealing that he plans on building a huge castle over the train station. He says from the center, high in the towers of the castle, they will be able to see the rail lines extending out from the city and towards other islands and the mainland. This seems a bit strange, to me, the observer of all in the dream, because there are no high points yet built in the center. But the girls are eager to go, so Bruce takes them in one of the trains, on the only completed rail.
Now the dream changes. The girls are high above the city, in the castle that Bruce had said he would build. Bruce, Alexis and Kara are all laughing together as they walk through one of the balcony gardens, underneath and overcast, grey sky. It's autumn, and there is a chill in the air, and the three of them are dressed stylishly, in sweaters and scarves and jeans that cost hundreds of dollars. Far below, the trams slide quietly along the rails into the central station and out again, beyond the city, into the the rails that are barely raised over the sea. It looks like the trains are gliding along the water. They are walking up some stairs, to go inside and maybe lounge around in Bruce's private study for a snack, when Alexis pulls out a small, neatly gift wrapped box for Bruce. Today is their anniversery, (3rd year, I think) and while it's obvious that Bruce had not forgotten, he has not yet presented Alexis with a gift, and he does seem to be surprised and a bit uncomfortable about receiving something from Alexis.
Alexis also seems to feel out of place. She has sent a lot of time trying to pick out the perfect gift for Bruce, and having finally settle on this, she is unsure how he'll receive it. She has ordered it online, and had it gift wrapped and everything by the jewelers (James Avery Silversmiths).
Bruce opens up the box, and a ring tumbles into his hand. It's a silver band set with a cloudy dark blue stone. It's not very pretty, stylish, and it's sort of a girl's ring. All three of them stare at in in silence for a moment or two. Alexis stutters her apologies, because apparently she had ordered a differnet ring. James Avery had sent her the wrong ring. Alexis stands on the stairs, wrapping, box, and ring in one hand, cell phone in the other to call James Avery and figure out what happened. Bruce is not too concerned, and so continues on into the castle with Kara.
They are traveling through an open air passage way, when Kara stops in front of one of the open air passage ways, leaning against the balcony wall to admire the view. She begins to speak softly to Bruce, not taking her eyes off of the city below. Bruce answers her just as quietly, and comes up behind her, pressing his body against Kara's back, looping his arms around her to hold her closer still. Kara's scarf has come loose, so Bruce presses his lips to the bare skin of her neck. She shivers and leans into him.
Some servants pass by the two of them, but don't stare or act surprised to see their master involved with a woman who is not his girlfriend. Kara expresses concern to Bruce about their affection for each other being displayed in a public space, but Bruce says that the servants are loyal and Alexis won't find out. Apparently, Kara and Bruce have been lovers for months now, keeping it a secret from Alexis, who Bruce sees as a "cover girl," meaning that he's involved with her because she comes from a good background and has a pretty face, and is good for PR.
Bruce and Kara are walking hand in hand towards the other side of the castle, when out of a side window they see one of the walls of the station crumble, crushing a train and part of the station. Bruce, of course, takes off running towards it, because, well, he's Batman. Kara follows at a slower pace. Bruce manages to save many of the people. The survivors climb up over this high cliff to get to safety. Bruce is now gone, but now both Kara and Alexis are at the bottom of the cliff. The wreck lies at their feet. Kara and Alexis try to climb up the cliff like the others, but thorned vines have grown over it, and their hands are sliced up. Alexis tries and tries, and gets halfway up, despite the pain. But when she sees Kara just standing below, she feels bad about leaving her behind and climbs back down.
Suddenly, Alexis and I are the same person. I see through her eyes. Kara is Carmen. I'm confused for a moment, then turn to Kara/Carmen. I tell her that I know that her and Bruce are having an affair. That I don't care. That I'm not giving him up.
Kara/Carmen replies that it doesn't matter anymore because she's leaving Bruce. I'm kneeling on the ground, my thorn-torn hands resting in my lap. I ask her how she can bear to leave him. She says that it wasn't fair that he had two lovers, that he was arrogant, and she didn't want any part of that kind of relationship. She was not a mistress.
I stare at her in shock. "But he's so rich," I say. "And handsome. And he can take care of you forever, and he really is kind and he will pamper you and you'll never want for anything and he treats me well even though he's in love with you...he's in love with you, how can you leave him?"
I know I sound materialistic and like I just care about him for his wealth, but my heart is aching. I really am in love with him, I just don't know how to say it. I want to cry because I know how hurt he'll be when Kara/Carmen leaves him.
Carmen stands up and says that she's going to walk down the hill that the wreck occurred on and try to find another way out. She tells me to wait there. She leaves.
I wait for hours. Hours and hours, and I hurt, and I'm starving, and I'm cold.
Then I see Carmen walking back up the hill, accompanied by Drew. Carmen looks surprised to see me. "You're still here?" She asks.
She forgot about me, or didn't care to come back and fetch me. Drew and her say that they're full, because they already ate. I'm left feeling angry, betrayed, forgotten and I hate it I hate both of them I hate it all and I'm furious.